congress is ready for their winter vacation
they need it because they have been hard at work for days
this congress has officially become the laziest in US history
they've done less with more than ever before
but it's not like they haven't done anything, no
they just passed an appropriation bill spending over $55M
for the housing and feeding and health care for some monkeys
this came with unprecedented bipartisan support
proving that some money can be spent without fighting
it's a full retirement package for these former research monkeys
they will be sending them to a lush spread in the louisiana bayou
which shows that not even relentlessly probed psychologically scarred apes
want to retire to florida
this proves that congress can agree on a senior social safety net
- as long as it's not for human beings
this is a great way to help our senior citizens in retirement
- offer them this same cushy deal
as long as we can use them in science experiments first
instead of shelling out millions to these chimps
congress should make them do the jobs others won't do
like paving highways and picking fruit
but better yet, these chimps should be used as members of congress
they could be trained to do something - anything in congress
and for peanuts - and maybe a banana or two
and these monkeys have the experience that it takes
they jerk-off in public and always throw sh*t at each other
THANK YOU COLBERT REPORT
